BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
First I was a pebble..
From Facebook just now…
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.