Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

😎

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers