[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
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POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
this has to be peak English