[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
marvel comics have peaked
