Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I saw nothing
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC