Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Thank you corporation very cool

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.