Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Somedays I just love AI so much
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
August 8
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.