Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.