Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!