Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts