Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
You Might Also Like
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs