Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?