Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Not today. 😅
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.