Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Guys, I found it.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.