Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.