Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

new shirt idea

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.