Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

No, you’re not getting it your honor

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

I might give this a try 😏

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.