Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?