Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Real bees work best

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or