Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

@funTweeters

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.