Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough