Bill is short for Billiam
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I have questions??
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”