Bill is short for Billiam
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
love pickles so much i put myself in one
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”