Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.