bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.