bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*