Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket