Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube