Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.