Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not