Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Bike for sale
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Reporter: *ports again*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.