Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
The best shot in the history of golf
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
And bowling should be called pinball
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.