Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.