Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
So creative 😂
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you