Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?