Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Uh oh…
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Saint West, the patron of selfies