“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.