Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
You Might Also Like
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.