Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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sry
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.