Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.