Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

I’d … I’d rather not.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes