Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying