Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday