Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?