Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
catch me on valentine’s day like
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff