Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
3% human
97% stress
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Leaving the Barbers like
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If you had more money you’d be happier.