Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

mandolin: finally a violin for men

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours