Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

i’m so sick of this guy

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.