@NYC_Blonde: Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you're God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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@EmberToAsh: I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
@ArfMeasures: Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they'll believe you Me: Got it [Later] Judge: Did you kill him? Me *confidently* yes
@jwoodham: Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds.
@FU_TangClan: [watching Joker] Joker: ha- me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now Joker: -ha Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ