@NYC_Blonde

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

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@karanlyons

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

@TheHyyyype

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

@vivalacrap

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

@mjkspeaks

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

@KenJennings

REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.