Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
spot the difference
Meanwhile in Canada…
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper