Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take