Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

😂😂

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*