Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too