A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

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[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.


No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.


Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.


I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.


Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”


white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery


I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away


“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


Shopping with friend

“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”

Me: “What’s leftover pizza?