Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Have kids, they said

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck