Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

this country is so goddamn polarized

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.