Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Simple

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I triple waxed for this?

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.