Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.