Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.