Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.