Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!