Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!