Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.