Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours