Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!