@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

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@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@nyquills

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

@sofarrsogud

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

@Laser_Cat

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

@Y_U_Hayden

Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.

@RelatableJoke

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

@alovablenerd

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

@AverageClo

Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?

WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?

WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?