@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

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@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@ArfMeasures

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ??’? ???? ????

@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@ojedge

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

@sixfootcandy

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

@Paxochka

Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now