@markydoodoo
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
@molly7anne
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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@markydoodoo
@NickAmadeus
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
@ArfMeasures
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ??’? ???? ????
@Gooooats
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
@causticbob
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
@ojedge
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
@birbigs
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
@sixfootcandy
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
@Paxochka
Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.
@OakHill_
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now