@Gupton68
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
@molly7anne
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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@Gupton68
@Slims_Ramblings
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I didn’t see you first.
@frogshack
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
@bacon_gillepic
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
@omgthatspunny
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
@OrdinaryAlso
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
@Shelts99
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’
@dksc4life
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
@SoulYodeler
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
@superdadatron
Wife leaves: Ok.
Wifi leaves: NOOOOOOOOOO. I can change!