@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

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@Gupton68

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

@Slims_Ramblings

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.

@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

@omgthatspunny

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@Shelts99

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’