billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
applying for a new job
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.