billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I am all good here, 😂😉
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”