Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
this has done me in for some reason
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
