Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
what day is it?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
