Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments