Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room