Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
crazy
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did