Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Hero horse inspires millions
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.