Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*