Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
awkward
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET