Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
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cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice