Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”